Sunday, September 22, 2013

Functioning labels

Have you heard the term "functioning labels" in relation to Autism diagnosis? It refers to the tendency to call an Autistic person "high functioning" or "just an Aspie" if they don't seem "too badly affected by Autism" and to refer to Autistic people who are non-verbal or have trouble with toileting or who stim a lot more noticeably as "severely Autistic" or "low functioning". I guess people do this in an attempt to let others know more information about the Autistic person in question. However, I have a real problem with it, and in this post I will explain why.


When you start categorising into ability based on outward appearance, you put people into groups that do not accurately reflect who they really are. You minimise their struggles. You overlook their strengths. You make assumptions you have no evidence for and no right to make. 

But it is even more complex than that.

The best way to explain why I don’t like function labels is to let Autistic people tell you what they think of them...... 

Amy says 

“I am one of those autistics who were said to be hopeless. Doctors and “experts” were convinced that I would never make any progress in life, that my parents were better off sending me away so they could have one. The “experts” said I was “too low-functioning to learn”.
Of course, they were wrong. I am here, I have an independent mind, a fairly independent life. I taught myself to read and I am a writer. But I am still non-speaking and I look very disabled. I also need a lot of help with things that are considered simple by most people. Maybe that’s why the “low-functioning” label stuck. It happens to a lot of autistics like me.
The assessment is incomplete and based on parameters that were created for non-autistics, by non-autistics, not taking into consideration the neurological differences of autistics.”


“I am autistic, non-speaking. I am also labeled “low-functioning”. This label is a pre-judgment based on what I cannot do. It makes people look at me with pity instead of trying to get to know me, listen to my ideas.”


“....it is very dismissive to call someone “too high-functioning to understand” as if they don’t have challenges, as if their autistic lives are just an adventure with a happy ending. Some autistics might be able to live independently and work; some have children and seem to live an ordinary life. But they also have moments when they might “lose” their ability to speak, ..... “


Alyssa says

“So, what are we defining functioning by anyways? We ALL have strengths and weaknesses. If I'm high functioning, you just ignore the weaknesses, and if I'm low functioning, you just ignore the strengths. Either way, we get hurt (and ignored!) 


Judy says

“In reality high-functioning and low-functioning are not real labels, having no definition, no skill set lists, and no diagnostic criteria. Yet these words are often used to determine opportunities that will be denied or extended to an autistic and in assigning the correct amount of personal responsibility and blame to an autistic for the way his autism plays out in everyday life. 


Ibby says 

“A person is not a function.  A person is a person.” 

and there is a great story that goes with it

Nick says

"Without the fictive reference point of “normal,” functioning labels – “high-functioning Autism” and “low-functioning Autism” – are also revealed to be absurd fictions. “High-functioning” or “low-functioning” compared to what?Who gets to decide what the proper “function” of any individual human should be?"


Square 8 wrote a great piece called “I am Joe’s Functioning Label”




You can also find the content of this post at the Facebook Page Parenting Autistic Children With Love And Acceptance where I help with moderating. It's a great page for those wanting to get involved in discussion about respecting Autistic people and listening to their voices on issues important to them.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Why do I call my children Autistic?



One of the debates that rages like a never ending tornado in the Autism community is over language. 

Should we refer to people diagnosed with "Autism Spectrum Disorder" as persons with Autism or as Autistic people?

The question has a reputation for dividing opinions and groups, and for that reason I have refrained from writing about it previously. However, last night someone made a visit to my Facebook page to correct me on my use of language in the name of my blog. Her argument was that I should be using what is known as “person first language” when I refer to my children. She suggested the blog should be called Amazing Adventures parenting children with Autism. She also implied that my current use of language is an indication that I do not respect my children. So, I thought it might be time I wrote about this. 

I have seen the argument that person first language is more respectful that identity first language before. Some people say that putting the disability before the person in language shows you don’t value the person, and that it means you see the disability more than you see them. 

I have also come across an argument that goes along the lines of “you wouldn’t call a person with cancer ‘cancerous’ so you shouldn’t call a person with Autism ‘Autistic’.” In fact, this one was levelled at me on my Facebook page during this week just gone too. 

If you have been following my blog for any amount of time you will have noticed that I refer to my children as Autistic. As with pretty much everything I do, this is a conscious and deliberate decision that I spent a fair amount of time thinking through. 

While I was thinking about it I made sure to read what Autistic adults think about this. I value the thoughts and opinions of the Autistic adults I know very much. They hold a wisdom I cannot have, as I am not Autistic. They know what it means to be an Autistic child and to grow up in a world that is not designed to support their needs. They also know what it is to be an Autistic adult, and they provide me with valuable insights that are helping me support my children as they grow and eventually become adults themselves. This is not something they are obligated to do. They are very generous in answering my questions, and I am very grateful to them for the time they give to help me learn and grow as a parent. 

So, what do Autistic adults have to say on this? There is a hint in the way I have been referring to them! As I listened there were three main issues I noticed.

The first thing I heard them say was that it is important to respect the way a person wishes to identify. That is, if a person prefers to be referred to using identity first language, you should refer to them in that way. This is why I call my friends Autistic. If I come across someone who prefers to be referred to using person first language I will say they have been diagnosed with Autism or say they are “on the spectrum” instead. I tend not to use the exact phrase “person with Autism” though (unless they specifically direct me that this is what they prefer). The reason for this will become clear in the next few paragraphs. 

The second thing I heard them say is that they find person first language problematic for many reasons. To explain this I am going to use the words of Autistic writers, because their voices should be heard on this issue, and because they say it so much better than I could!

Lydia, who writes the blog Autistic Hoya, has spent a lot of time looking into the issue of person first vs identity first language. Reading what she has written taught me that person first language is problematic because it feeds the idea that Being Autistic is something that can be separated from a person and that it is in some way bad. The key things she said that impacted on me are as follows: 

“In the autism community, many self-advocates and their allies prefer terminology such as "Autistic," "Autistic person," or "Autistic individual" because we understand autism as an inherent part of an individual's identity..... “

“...when people say "person with autism," it does have an attitudinal nuance. It suggests that the person can be separated from autism, which simply isn't true. It is impossible to separate a person from autism, just as it is impossible to separate a person from the color of his or her skin.”

““Autistic” is another marker of identity. It is not inherently good, nor is it inherently bad. There may be aspects or consequences of my identity as an Autistic that are advantageous, useful, beneficial, or pleasant, and there may be aspects or consequences of my identity as an Autistic that are disadvantangeous, useless, detrimental, or unpleasant. But I am Autistic. I am also Asian, Chinese, American, Christian, Liberal, and female. 
These are not qualities or conditions that I have. They are part of who I am. Being Autistic does not subtract from my value, worth, and dignity as a person. Being Autistic does not diminish the other aspects of my identity. Being Autistic is not giving up on myself or limiting myself or surrendering to some debilitating monster or putting myself down. Being Autistic is like being anything else. “

You can read the whole of Lydia’s article here 
and the second part of her writing on the topic here.

NeurodivergentK, who writes the blog Radical Neurodivergence Speaking, taught me that arguing for person first language by comparing Autism to Cancer is just plain offensive. To both Autistic people and to people affected by Cancer.

“Now, why I feel the autism/cancer comparison is disrespectful. First, it's disrespectful to autistic people. We don't have something growing in us attempting to kill us. We don't have a "devastating disease" which, let's face it, cancer usually is. We don't require painful chemotherapy to stay alive. The cancer comparison is nothing but lazy writing and a way to promote funding to people trying to get rid of us.

You know who else it disrespects? People affected by cancer. Ask anyone who lost a child to cancer-they'd have that child back, autistic, cognitively challenged, it wouldn't matter. Their child would be changed (in some cases almost to someone not the kid they remembered) but they would have their baby back. Ask anyone going through chemotherapy if there's anything worse than this. Hell no. Cancer is expensive, cancer is exhausting, and cancer KILLS. Give the families a little respect. Give the people who actually HAVE cancer a little respect. “

You can read the whole article here

The third key message I got from the Autistic adults I know is that they prefer to be called Autistic. It is something they are proud of, and a part of their identity they want recognised in positive ways. 

After reading what Autistic adults I wanted to talk to my kids. MissG is too young to be able to understand the issues around this topic, so I haven't talked to her about it. When she is older I will. MasterL is old enough to begin thinking about it. I asked him how he would like me to refer to him, and he said, "by my name", which is a really good point! After some discussion, when I was sure he understood what I meant he said "Sometimes I tell people I have Aspergers sometimes I say I am Autistic, but on the blog you can say I am Autistic". And that is enough for me. 

My children are Autistic.

I could go on, but that’s enough for one post, I think. 

I am more than happy to answer honest questions on this topic, and to provide more links and information for people genuinely interested. I will not be engaging with people who comment in order to correct me or make deliberately inflammatory remarks. This is my opinion and I have come to it after much thought- I won’t be changing because someone picks an online fight with me, and I won’t be subjecting my readers to that sort of comment either. 

Friday, September 6, 2013

Murder is not acceptable

Tonight a 14 year old girl lies in a hospital battling the effects of carbon monoxide poisoning because her mother tried to kill her. And all over the place I see sympathy for this mother. Do you know why? Because her daughter, Issy, is Autistic. They are saying they feel empathy for her. Because her daughter was aggressive and hard to live with. They say it is because she was failed by the system. Some say they can understand why she did it. 

I can't. I can't understand at all.

Can you imagine how it feels to be an Autistic person reading these proclamations of sympathy and support for the mother who attempted to murder her child- a child who is much like they were as children? 

Can you imagine how my children would feel if I told them that there is a girl fighting for her life because her mother tried to kill her and that people feel sorry for the mother because her daughter is Autistic- like them? 

I won't tell them, though. My children live in a house where they are safe from this news. Where they are safe. They do not need to know about this. And I hope that by the time they are old enough that they will be exposed to the news without my filtering it, that the world will have changed to be a place where murder is unacceptable no matter what. 

Please, please, please do not stop to comment here if you want to justify, explain to me, or in any other way support the murder or harm of Autistic children by their parents or carers. Please don't. 

My heart is broken for Issy. She deserves better.


Here are some links to what some others are saying on this:







Thursday, September 5, 2013

Opinions, online etiquette and Autistic safe space


There has been very little "drama" on this blog and its Facebook Page in the 18 months or so that it has been here. I love that!

I am noticing a shift in the way people interact on blogs and Facebook Pages, though. I am seeing a lot of arguing, accusing and just straight out poor behaviour (not on this page!). People seem to feel that they should come onto a blog or page and make sure that things are "democratic" and that "free speech" is upheld. It seems to me, however, that these things are code for "I disagree with you and I want to be able to do that loudly and rudely on your blog/page without you asking me not to". And I would disagree that that is what blogs are for.

The fact is that it is impossible for a blog to actually be a democracy. It is not even possible for a blog to be unbiased. A blog is a collection of thoughts and opinions put together by a person who has put time and effort into deciding what they think, believe and value. In my experience a LOT of time and effort goes into this.

In my social circle, and throughout my life, I and the people I have interacted with have worked on the assumption that it would be rude to walk into someones house and start to criticise them or what you think you know about them.

I feel it is the same with interactions on blogs and on Facebook. A blog is like someones house. I would not go to visit a blog that I can see holds different values and opinions than I do and expect them to welcome me if I begin attacking them or the things they have written on their blog.

Likewise, if I post something here I would hope that people would recognise that this is my blog, where I post things I agree with, value and support. I would hope that people would respect that and refrain from being rude, or aggressive about their disagreement.

In the past I have purposely avoided posting on topics that I know can be divisive. This has been because I have not felt up to the task of having to moderate the blog heavily.

These days I am learning a lot about how important it is to be up front about what I believe. I am learning about the importance of there being places that are safe for Autistics to visit online. I want these places to exist for my kids when they are older.

To this end, you will start to see more open discussion of hard topics on this blog. You will notice me intentionally opposing some view points. I am working towards creating a space where it is safe for Autistic people to come- where they do not have to worry about seeing comments that make them feel they are seen as anything other than wonderful just the way they are.

It will be a work in progress. I am still learning. I am listening to Autistic adults. I am listening to  my children. I am figuring out where I may have contributed to hurt in the past and endeavouring not to do that again.

I hope that you will want to come on this journey with me.

Of course, if you find that you disagree with me and you are no longer comfortable here, that is fine. All our journeys are different. I will not be upset or offended if you decide to unlike the page and stop visiting the blog. I am not here to be popular or to chase after "likes". I am just here learning and documenting the journey.

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Interacting with people who are not accepting of Autistics

Over the last couple of months, I've had a couple of experiences with members of our local community who are aware of Autism, but not very accepting of it. It's a hard situation for me, because I like to think I can be tolerant of and gracious towards all people, but I am learning there are some people I just can't. I'm going to tell you two stories, and you will see what I mean.

Quite a few weeks ago I posted on my facebook page about a conversation I'd had with a man at playgroup. When it came up in conversation that I have Autistic children he said "Oh no! So what do you do? Are they like real members of the family?" Of course, when I write it down his intonation is gone, and it is impossible to read the intent behind his words. Face to face I could tell that he did not mean to be offensive. He was trying to let me know that he knows enough about some Autism to realise that there are Autistic people who struggle significantly with communication and socialisation. He was way off base in his interpretation, and so I tried to calmly point out to him that his comment was inappropriate and take the opportunity to help him learn about acceptance of people with differences (which is everyone!). This kind of person I am happy to talk to and engage with because I believe they are honestly trying to understand and are open to learning. 

Last week I was subject to what I believe to be an unprovoked written attack by someone in my local community while she was contributing to a  discussion with a mutual friend in a public facebook discussion. This attack stunned me in its viciousness and the strength of the disdain this person has toward me. I honestly don't know why or if I have done anything real to provoke it. Twice in the past I have done things I knew would upset and result in my being publicly attacked, but I did them anyway, after attempting to explain to the other people involved, because I believed then (and still do) that it was the right thing to do to serve the needs of the community. This time I am sure the person thinks I have done something, but I don't know what it is. 

So this is what she said......I will not quote her, as I did in the first story, because the words she used I don't care to repeat, and because she referred to my children using a word I wouldn't use against my worst adult enemy (I don't actually have a worst enemy, but you know the saying....!!), let alone against a child. The polite summary of her beliefs about me is this:  
your children are not Autistic, they are just poorly behaved. They are poorly behaved because you need to back off from parenting them the way you do. You only had your children labelled with Autism because you are lazy, you want attention and you want access to government funding. And six children is too many. The comments were not said to me, they were said about me in a conversation I had been tagged in, so she knew I was aware of what she was saying. 

Now, to be clear, I actually don't really care what this person thinks of me. My response on facebook was to not respond. I gave it no public air time. I vented privately to a couple of friends about the language she used to refer to my kids and that I couldn't understand why a person would find it necessary to be so openly disagreeable. I didn't mention it to anyone else, because it is not that important to me. 

I mention the situation here only because I know others of you out there have faced similar situations and might like to know that you are not alone. It is not your fault. You do not need to second guess your parenting, your childs diagnosis or anything else just because someone who doesn't know your life or care to try to understand it says something to you, or about you, when they are in a bad mood. 

In this instance I chose to completely ignore the tirades because I believe the person was not at all interested in changing her mind, she just wanted to say mean stuff. Maybe she was fishing for a reaction. Maybe not. Maybe she was trying to make me look bad. Maybe not. Maybe she was looking for support from others. Maybe not. I don't know. I never will know. I don't need to know. My life is full and busy enough with things that are important to me that I do not have time to spend on people like the one in my second story. For people like the one in the first story, who may speak awkwardly and inadvertently rub me up the wrong way, I will continue to make time if I can see they are open minded. But the people who are only interested in attacking, justifying and demeaning, I have no time or even anyinterest in making time for. 

I hope that those of you who have experienced similar things can see that it is not your fault and that you needn't spend your precious time on it either. Instead, let's spend time putting our energy into our beautiful, unique families and our wonderful, brave and strong children! 

Thursday, August 1, 2013

The first lost tooth

When MissK lost a tooth a few months ago MissG was quite concerned. She wanted to look at it, and at the space it left. She remembered the discomfort of the dental work she had done last year. She asked lots of questions.... will it hurt when I lose a tooth? Will I be able to eat? Will the new tooth be big? And most importantly, will it bleed?

MissG doesn't really cope well with blood. We have talked about how clever her body is, and that when she bleeds her body sends platelets to clot the blood and form a covering over the cut so her skin can heal underneath. We have tried to convince her that seeing blood is good because it means her body is doing what it should.  We have told her the sting is temporary, and will pass soon. These days, she can talk quite calmly about it, and knows in theory that she doesn't need to worry. But when the moment comes that she cuts or grazes herself..... she panics! It's a quick rush to cover up the wound and soothe and calm her until the initial surprise and pain subside. Depending on the injury and her general state of mind at the time, this can take a while.

So MissG and I have both been a bit nervous about her losing teeth. I have been working on "wobbly tooth readiness" for a while. We have talked about what happens to cause your tooth to wobble, how it feels, how long it might be wobbly for, and what happens and how it will feel when the tooth falls out. MisG's older brothers and sisters have been drawn in to the preparation process, and have all told stories about how cool it is to get big teeth and that it doesn't hurt much when the baby ones fall out. 

Then her front tooth wobbled. And she got excited! 

We talked about what to do if her tooth falls out at school. We told her teacher that her tooth was wobbly and that MissG wants to save it and bring it home if it falls out at school.
We waited.
She wobbled it.
We waited. 
She got me to check it.
We waited.
She ate crunchy foods. It hurt. She ate soft foods.
We waited. 
She wobbled it more.
We waited.
She said, "this tooth has been wobbly for AGES!"

And then last night, while I was at the shops, my phone rang.

"Hello?"

"MY TOOTH FELL OUT!!"

I couldn't quite tell if it was an anxious yell or and excited yell. I went with excited...

"wow! That's great!!"

"I WAS IN THE BATH AND I WAS BLOWING THROUGH THE STRAW AND MY TOOTH FELL OUT AND I GOT IT AND PUT IT IN A BAG AND I WIPED THE BLOOD WITH A TISSUE AND I WANT TO TAKE IT TO SCHOOL TOMORROW"

She was *so* excited. 

I was so relieved. Preparation had been successful, and she was happy. It doesn't get better than that!

Friday, July 19, 2013

best birthday ever






 MissG turned 6 this month. We try to keep her birthday celebrations pretty low key, because she really struggles with big gatherings and lots of noise and unpredictability. This year she asked to invite her whole class, but when we talked about it she decided 4 friends would be good. We made some invitations and handed them out at school. We made a calendar and she excitedly crossed off each day as she went to bed. As the day got closer we regularly heard comments like "I can't believe it's only 5 days until my birthday" and "I'm so excited I'm going to be six". She had chosen a dinosaur theme for her party, so we bought a few things, and she decided what she wanted her cake to look like. Anticipation was running high. She was disappointed that two friends couldn't come, but it didn't matter in the end. She had such a lovely time with the two that came, and the party was very relaxed and enjoyable for all. Just as we were about to wrap things up there was a little moment of anxiety over something not going as planned, but she took herself off to her room for a moment, and re-emerged back in control and ready to have more fun. All in all a great success of a party, and as her friends were going she threw her arms around my waist and declared "This is the best birthday EVER"!!!  
Mission accomplished!