[Amazing Adventures Autism] Expressions of PosAutivity: #AutismPositivity2014

A letter to MissG

When you were a baby we paid close attention to learn your cries. We came to recognise when you were hungry, when you were tired, and when you were overwhelmed by your surroundings. We didn't need to hear words from you. Your cries spoke to us and we listened. We did our best to meet your needs, even though you couldn't speak them to us.

When you were a toddler and you would fall over or find yourself hurt, you didn't want me to touch you. I longed to give you a hug, to rub your back, but you would push me away. You were teaching me that I can show my support and love without touch. All you needed from me was to be present and wait for you to be ready for my touch. And when you were ready, the snuggles were priceless.

When you started to want to play with others but things didn't go well you would scream out. It was hard for your brothers and sisters to listen to those shrill screams sometimes. Your dad and I tried to help everyone understand that you couldn't find words when you were stressed. We tried to help you by giving you phrases like "stop, I don't like it". Slowly, you found your voice, and we were so careful to listen when you used those precious words. If you said stop we stopped, even if we couldn't tell quite what the problem was, because you were telling us with the only words you had that something did not feel right. You taught us your need for control over what happened to your body and how important it was for us to respect that.

When you are frustrated and overwhelmed you can't speak to me to explain why. It can be so hard to see your pain and not know how to help. But you taught me that compassion does not always rely on knowing the specifics of a situation. All you need from me is that I be present with you and wait until you are ready to explain. 

Now you have started to be able to draw me pictures of what troubles you. I love those pictures. They are as much your voice as spoken words are. They tell me you want me to know, that you value my support, and that you believe I can help. 

As you get older, I wonder if you will begin to type to me as your big brother does when he has lost his words, but I know it doesn't matter whether you do or not. You will still always let me know what you need in your own way. And I will always be listening. 



This article is part of the 2014 Autism Positivity Day Flash Blog. 

What I hear when you have compassion for parents who murder their children

OK world, let's get something straight.  You need to know what I hear when you sympathise, empathise and otherwise have compassion for people who murder their children.

When you say "oh the poor mother, she must have been so stressed, she had no support, I feel sorry for her, I can understand why she killed her son", I hear you saying to me:

"If you kill MasterL or MissG, I will feel sorry for you."

That is wrong. It is so wrong it makes me sick to my stomach.

I also hear you say that their lives are less valuable than my other children's lives. I hear you say that my life is more valuable than their lives. I hear you say that because they are not "normal" they can be disposed of and that would be understandable.

I'll say it again. That is wrong and it makes me sick.

I know that is not what you think you are saying, but it is what I hear.

And when you try to shame me for not having compassion for a murderer by asking me if I know for sure I would never kill my child.....  I have to walk away from my computer for hours, and am unable to eat for that whole period of time because I feel so nauseated.

When you make excuses for parents who murder their child by saying "oh, they must have been mentally ill" my skin crawls.

What I hear you saying is that my husband, who is Bipolar is more likely to kill our kids because he has a "mental illness", when in fact the research clearly shows he is actually more likely to be bullied by you and discriminated against by you than he is to ever hurt one of our kids.

So, you know what? Shut up the lot of you. Close your mouths and really have a think about what you are saying, what you are implying, and how your words impact other people. Every time you make comments like these you help to increase the stigma against my whole family and you endanger my children's lives.

Speaking my truth

During #AutismAcceptanceMonth is a good time to talk about Autistic safe space. This is incredibly  important information for people to understand.  Please read this article from Cynthia at MusingsofanAspie.

So often when looking at Facebook pages and websites about Autism, I see parents talking about the importance of sharing their experience with the world. They argue it adamantly, over the top of all other voices, stating their right to free speech, their right to be heard, their right to support. 

I've been struggling with this because I do believe that everyone has a right to speak their own truth, but I have trouble reconciling that belief when I can see a persons words damaging others. I see some people trying to silence others because their truths don't match up.  

Reading Cynthia's article today helped me clarify some thoughts I've been processing and I'd like to share those with you. 

Cynthia says, 

"I think of autistic safe space as a kind of middle ground, between autistic friendly space and autistic space. There isn’t necessarily a clear definition of each of the three, but for the sake of helping people new to these concepts understand them better, I’ll take a stab at describing them.

Autistic friendly space tends to be predominantly allistic space which has been modified to make it more welcoming to autistic people. For example, sensory friendly film showings or an event that features flapping instead of clapping, is held in a hall without fluorescent lighting, requests attendees to be fragrance-free, provides communication badges, has a quiet area and does not allow flash photography.

An autistic person isn’t necessarily going to feel totally comfortable in autistic friendly spaces, but there are considerably more accommodations made than in the typical public space.

An autistic safe space takes the concept of autistic friendly space one step further, putting the autistic person’s needs first. Often safe space has a greater emphasis on safety with regard to identity and expression whereas friendly space has a greater emphasis on disability accommodations.

Online, autistic safe spaces are very much about safe speech. In person, the concept is extended to physical expression, meaning that things like stimming and atypical communication are welcomed and accepted rather than simply tolerated. Safe spaces are often a place to explore difficult topics and push at boundaries without the fear of rejection or humiliation.

Autistic safe spaces can be mixed spaces, but are generally autistic led. Sometimes this works out really well, with people of different neurologies sharing experiences and learning from each other. And sometimes it turns into a disaster. I’ve seen both cases firsthand and, ironically, when things go wrong in a safe space, people can be hurt badly. Much more so, it seems, than when things go wrong in typical public spaces.

Finally, there is autistic space. I was going to define autistic space as one in which all participants are on the spectrum, but then I realized that my home is autistic space. It’s a place where I feel completely comfortable to be myself and where my communication style is honored. It’s a place where I have minimal sensory distraction. A place where I know what to expect.

Perhaps autistic space is a cultural construct rather than something that is created strictly by the neurology of the participants. And that feels like an idea that’s too large to get into in the final lines of a post, so I’m going to set it aside for another day."

This is something I work hard on here at Amazing Adventures parenting Autistic children.  

To be honest, as a non-autistic person, I am unable to keep this page as Autistic space, or even Autistic safe space.... because I do not know what it is like to be Autistic, and therefore cannot always anticipate what will make a space unfriendly, but I am learning. I am trying to do better than just having an Autistic friendly space, but it will take time and more learning. 

To that end, I do my utmost to keep my blog and my page Autistic friendly space. You may from time to time notice that a comment has been deleted, or that I do not repost some things shared on my page. This is because they are things I know from having spent time with and listening to Autistic people that those things make a place unsafe. 

And, as Cynthia says, there are some things that will always be completely unacceptable. You will never see me speak about my children making my life harder. You will never see me supporting the "Autism is a tragedy" message. You will never see me favouring the voices of non-autistic people over Autistic people on the topic of Autism. 

There are three reasons for this. The first is that to do any of those things would hurt my Autistic friends. The second is that assuming doing those things would hurt my Autistic friends, I also assume it would hurt my Autistic children. I am not prepared to do either of those things in order to make myself more relatable or readable,  to increase traffic to my blog or page, or to fit in with the status quo. The third reason is that I value my integrity, and I will not speak things that are not true for me. My truth is important to me. 

I will always speak my truth unapologetically.

And the truth of my life is, it is hard. 

Parenting is hard. But that is not my children's fault.

Being a wife is hard. But that is not my husbands fault.

Being a student is hard. But that is not my teachers fault.

Being an advocate is hard. But that is not your fault.

It is just life. It is how it is. This is fact. 

My life is my responsibility. I have chosen everything in it. I continue to choose everything in my life everyday that I don't walk away from it all. It is hard. It is mine. 

And my truth is that even if it is hard, I do not choose to walk away to something easier, therefore I will not complain to you how hard it is.  

Some will say that not telling how hard things are all the time makes me inauthentic, unrealistic and a phoney. Some will say that it is important to tell the struggles so that other parents know they are not alone. Some will say that failing to acknowledge the difficulties publicly invalidates the experience of others. 

I say that insisting I do all those things would make me inauthentic, leave me isolated from those who share the same experience as I do, and would invalidate my experience. 

Our truths do not align. Yes, they are entitled to speak theirs. When they are individuals I do not go into their space and tell them they are wrong. I simply avoid their space (this changes for me when the person speaking represents an organisation, but that is not what I am talking about here).

I do not live a life so difficult that is is miserable. I do not need to hear each individual story to know there are others out there who find things tough. I do not need to hang around with people who want to focus on the hard stuff. I do need support from those who are trying as hard as I am to remain positive and proactive. 

I will always speak my truth unapologetically.

I hope that other individuals will respect my right to speak my truth, and rather than stepping in to my space to educate me, they will simply avoid my space. 

In my space I will continue to speak my truth unapologetically, and I will do everything I can to keep my space safe for my Autistic friends and family members.




To my Autistic friends, I am sorry. 

I am sorry that all too often you have to deal with spaces that are not Autistic friendly, let alone Autistic safe.  

I am sorry that I sometimes let you down. 

I am listening, though, and I hope I am learning enough to improve in this area. 

I want to thank you- for being patient with me, for being open with me, for teaching me when you have no obligation to. 

Thank you. 

You are all making such a difference in my life, and in the lives of my children. 

I will do whatever I can to make this space safe for you, and for my kids. There are so many places that I know you do not feel safe in. I hope this is a place you can come and feel heard and be safe. 

World Autism Awareness Day doesn't actually help Autistic people

First some history from Wikipedia:

"World Autism Awareness Day has been held every year since 9 September 1989. It was designated by the United Nations General Assembly resolution "62/139. World Autism Awareness Day," adopted on 18 December 2007, proposed by Qatar, and supported by all member states.[1][2][3][4] The resolution had four main components:

the establishment of 2 April as WAAD
participation of UN organizations, member states, NGOs and all private & public organizations in WAAD
raise awareness of autism on all levels in society
to ask the UN Secretary-General to deliver this message to member states and all other UN organs.[3]

I suppose in 1989 a World Autism Awareness Day may have been useful in some ways. After all, at that time the diagnosis of Autism had only been available for about 40 years, and Autism was not something most people knew about. In fact, in the 1840's Donald Gray Triplett, now in his early 80's was the first person ever diagnosed Autistic. Although I can't speak on his behalf, I'm pretty sure that World Autism Awareness makes no difference to Donald in his every day life.

I can, however, tell you with all certainty that World Autism Awareness Day does not help my children. It does not stop students at my sons school calling him stupid when he has to seek clarification on work tasks because he didn't understand the way the teacher communicated.

World Autism Awareness Day does nothing to stop students at my sons school calling him rude when he tries to assertively explain his viewpoint in his sometimes monotone voice.

World Autism Awareness Day does not prevent people from staring at my daughter if she has a sensory overload triggered meltdown in a public place and making snide comments about her needing a good spanking.

World Autism Awareness Day doesn't stop a mother in my community referring to my children as c*#^s who have behaviour problems because of my parenting and insisting they can't be Autistic.

Those kind of situations can not be helped by awareness.

I would actually argue that awareness can in some instances can hurt my kids. Like when students at my sons school say to each other- "don't do that, it makes you look Autisitc". I'm not going to break down for you how many ways saying something like that is wrong (mostly because, to be completely honest, I can't stand the thought that you might have been reading my blog for a while and still not know why that statement is so offensive). But I will say that hearing his neurology referred to as an insult breaks my son just a little bit more each time it happens.

There are others who agree with me. They are Autistic adults. When I asked them if World Autism Awareness Day helps them they said:

Kassiane- "yeah it helps me by making the world more aware that I don't exist, but would if I was a 6 year old white boy. And then when it finds out I do exist it reacts in a way that's a really awful amalgamation of insisting on denying my existence and acting on every awful hyperbolic stereotype, thus resulting in me being invisible except when people are wiping their asses with me.

Oh wait that's the opposite of helping."

Lei- "Awareness does not help me. I am aware of a great many things, but that does not mean I understand or accept them. Almost everyone I've ever met is "aware" of autism. That doesn't mean they accept me, or think it's okay to be like me. It just means they recognize my existence. That just seems weird to have a day set aside to say "Yay! You exist" and nothing else. I don't think it helps anyone to be tolerated once a year. I do plan on "celebrating" that day by reframing it as Acceptance Day and using it to open the library and hopefully, to change some minds about autism, acceptance and the value of human diversity."

Accpetance on the other hand...... true acceptance of Neurodiverstiy..... true acceptance of the idea that everyone is valuable just as they are and has something of worth to offer even if they are part of a minority group..... that would help my kids and my friends.

Acceptance of difference would stop students making value judgements on people needing communication clarified. 

Accpetance would make it inappropriate to make jokes and form insults based on someones perceived differences. 

Acceptance of things we see but don't always understand would mean I and my children would not be subject to criticism and hurtful comments when things get hard for us in public.

Acceptance is the only way my kids are going to grow up and not have to face the societally induced struggles my Autistic friends have faced in their life times.

And let's face it, no one wants to know their kids are going to grow up having to fight every day to be deemed worthy by their peers just because they process information differently and need more support than most people do.

No one wants to know their kids are going to be the butt of jokes and snide remarks because their voice doesn't have the same range of intonation as other people.

No one wants to know their kids are going to grow up knowing that one day a year they are celebrated but the rest of the year they are going to have to "tough it out", "suck it up" and "just do what you can not to draw attention to yourself and you'll do fine".

No one wants that for their children.

So World Autism Awareness Day does not help my children. Or my friends.

I am asking you to please help me spread the word that what Autistic people need is ACCEPTANCE not awareness.

I will not "Light it up blue"

It must be nearly April, because my news feed is littered with calls for people to "Light it up blue for Autism Awareness". 



To be honest, it makes me cringe. 



There is heaps of "Autism Awareness" going around. It's what causes students at my kids school to "joke" and "tease" by saying things like.... 'don't do that, it makes you look Autistic'. 



No. My kids don't need #AutismAwareness- they need #AutismAcceptance. 



Accpetance is different than awareness. Acceptance means that everyone is worthwhile, no-ones neurology is made fun of, and everyone gets the support they need without having to fight legislators to provide it. 



This April I'll be advocating for Acceptance. I won't be supporting the Autism Speaks driven light it up blue campaign that raises them money to research to find a cure. 

I won't be buying a Build-a-bear blue bear so they can give money to Autism Speaks or Autism Awareness Australia either. 


Here in Australia, many people have heard of Autism Speaks, but feel we are removed from their influence and do not need to weigh in on the stand against them. 



I disagree. For two reasons.



1. I do not want AS to assume that because Australians are not speaking up against them that they are welcome here.



2. We already have our own Autism Speaks here, in the form of Autism Awareness Australia. 



Australians, please do not be fooled into thinking that we are safe from the Autism Speaks message here. 

You only need to watch Autism Awareness Australia's awareness video to hear it....

.

.... use of pathologising language ("complex neurological disorder", comparing Autism to aids, diabetes and cancer,etc) 



..... the "Autism is a tragedy" dialogue ("...improve the lives of families with Autism", "Autism is stealing the minds and personalities of a generation of Australian children", "30,000 Aussie kids have been kidnapped, by Autism", "don't let Autism have the last say in a families life")



Image is of a young Autistic girl with blond hair wearing a hat and smiling.
The background is purple, and text reads
I need your ACCEPTANCE much more than I need "Autism Awareness"

I will not support an organisation that sends out the exact same message Autism Speaks does. 



I will not support an organisation that tells my family, friends and colleagues that my life is difficult because of my children and that their lives are hopeless unless people donate money to save them.



I will not change my mind about supporting Autism Awareness Australia until this message from them changes. Not even if you point out that they are doing a few good things along the way. The harm their message does to my children is real. The damage their message causes to the possibility people will accept my children as valuable the way they are is immeasurable.

And this..... THIS ..... is why the "Autism as tragedy" message of Autism Speaks and Autism Awareness Australia is so damaging..... because it leads to this:



"When I am open about being Autistic, I am handing people a weapon to punish me with. This was not the first time that my autism has been invoked during a disagreement. I have ended up leaving so many communities because I was told that I was only disagreeing because my autism meant I didn’t really understand. I have been told I am having an unreasonable meltdown when I am calm and polite but the other person is agitated and using curse words. Anytime someone wants to dismiss my opinion or experience, they point out that I am Autistic, as if that trumps anything and everything. They remind everyone that I am not reliable, that my word means nothing, that I don’t understand anything.



"Telling people that I am Autistic gives them the opportunity to understand me better. It also gives them the opportunity to dismiss anything and everything about me as irrelevant, deluded, pathological, unacceptable. No one has to provide a logical counter for anything I say because my words are Autistic words so they mean nothing. They are merely symptoms and can be disregarded." 


     Sparrow, from Unstrange Mind. 



Is this what you want for your children? 



Really think about it- how would you feel if we took a month of the year to promote that everyone be aware of you and the fact you need fixing???? 

No? 



Then let's change the message. 



My kids don't need curing. They don't need fixing. They don't need changing. 



It is society that needs to change, and Acceptance of all is the key.


Note: this article has been republished at The Huffington Post. Click here to view.

To stim, or not to stim? ..... there should never be any question

When I am stressed I count my fingers in pairs by tapping them against each other in a pattern from pinkie to thumb over and over and over again. I do it subtly, so no one sees, because I don't want them to know I am stressed .... or nervous... or worried. I sometimes do it when I am bored too.  If I am alone and no one is watching I sometimes trace a pattern around my lips with my fingers. Usually doing these things helps calm me. It occupies my mind and gives me a soothing feeling. If they don't work I might start bouncing my legs a bit or get up and pace. 

All those things are stims.  And I bet you stim too sometimes.  A lot of people assume that stimming is something only Autistic people do, but this is just not true. We might notice an Autistic persons unfiltered stimming more than we notice other peoples, but we all stim.  

I have written a little about stimming before on my blog Different kinds of normal, and some of what I quoted there I will repeat here:

Nick Walker defines stimming this way-

"To stim is to engage in movement and/or in other activity that stimulates one or more of one's senses, for the purpose (whether intentional or purely instinctive) of regulating one's own sensorimotor experience and/or state of consciousness. Examples of stims include (but are certainly not limited to) such activities as rocking, hand movements, humming, drumming, touching a surface, or gazing at running water. Functions of stimming include (but are certainly not limited to) self-calming and self-soothing; inducing, enhancing, or responding to experiences of sensory pleasure; regulating sensory input; integration of information; and accessing specific capacities and/or states of consciousness."

The Caffinated Autistic says

"It is a message that says that I have so much to express and cannot hold it all inside and I must show you right now.
It is joy.
It is an all-encompassing feeling that touches every part of me, from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet.
What it isn’t is shameful."

FY Stimming! gives definitions and examples of stimming, including this quote from About Autism-

"Stimming is almost always a symptom of autism, but it’s important to note that stimming is almost always a part of every human being’s behavior pattern. If you’ve ever tapped your pencil, bitten your nails, twirled your hair or paced, you’ve engaged in stimming.
"The biggest differences between autistic and typical stimming are (1) the choice of stim and (2) the quantity of stim. While it’s at least moderately acceptable to bite one’s nails, for example, it’s absolutely unacceptable to wander around flapping one’s hands.
"There’s really no good reason why flapping should be less acceptable than nail biting (it’s certainly more hygienic!). But in our world, the hand flappers receive negative attention while the nail biters are tolerated.
"Like anyone else, people with autism stim to help themselves to manage anxiety, fear, anger, and other negative emotions. Like many people, people with autism may stim to help themselves handle overwhelming sensory input (too much noise, light, heat, etc.)."

So, if we acknowledge that stimming is a form of sensory regulation that everyone engages in and that it serves a useful purpose.....................

the question should never be whether or not we let our Autistic children stim,
but rather how will we support them and encourage others to accept their stimming?

To figure out the best way to help others accept stimming as normal, we need to look at what purpose it serves for our individual children. For me stimming is a stress release. For my MissG stimming is both a stress release and an expression of excitement. Watch your child and see what is happening when they are stimming. See if you can figure out what is going on for them. If they can talk ask them to tell you!!

Then tell your childs teachers and therapists/ your relatives/ your friends/ whoever-is-saying-your-child-shouldn't-stim that stimming serves a purpose and that you do not want them to tell your child to stop! And don't forget to point out that everyone does it!

As our children grow older they might notice other peoples reactions to their noticeable stimming. This has happened recently for my boy, and so we discussed his options. He decided to try for a quieter stim at school, and to do his noisy vocal stims only at home if possible. He decided this because he noticed he felt more stressed when people looked at him and so the stim wasn't "worth it" in that context. We talked about other things he could do that were more subtle and he chose a few alternatives to try. I'm cool with that for the most part. I do think it's sad that he had to consider these things, but he was ready to, and the decision to change what he was doing was all his. And that is how it should be.

Our children should have control over the decisions about their body and how they behave.

If they want to stim, they should stim- however they want to.

There should never be any question about stopping a stim because it is "socially inappropriate" or "makes others uncomfortable".

Cynthia from "Musings of an Aspie" has written some very helpful things about this, which I'm going to quote because 1. she's Autistic and her voice is more important than mine on this topic and 2. she says it so well!! and 3. If you need to talk to teachers/therapists or relatives/friends about stimming Cynthia is an excellent person to quote.

Cynthia wrote a whole article called "Socially Appropriate", in which she says,

"Oh, wait, I know: socially inappropriate stims are ones that draw attention to us. If you rock in public, people will stare.
And whose problem is that?
Try out these sentences instead:
If you sign in public, people will stare.
If you use your wheelchair in public, people will stare.
If you limp in public, people will stare.
If you use your assistance dog in public, people will stare.
And if people do stare, other people will think they’re rude. Who would tell a Deaf person not to sign in public or a paraplegic not to use their wheelchair in public?
But people tell autistic kids not to stim in public all the time. Again and again I see conversations and articles insisting that stimming–or if they’re trying to be politically correct, certain types of stimming– isn’t appropriate public behavior.
Really? And why is that? Who exactly does stimming embarrass? Not the autistic person who’s doing it. (emphasis mine)"

And from "A Cognitive Defense of Stimming (or Why "Quiet Hands" Makes Math Harder)" ,

"There is another argument against stimming at school or in other public places: we need to teach autistic kids socially acceptable behavior so other kids/people don’t think they’re weird. Well, I have two things to say about that.
"Yes, autistic children should be taught the same social rules as typical children. They should be taught to respect others and all of the rules of politeness and civility that go along with it. But here’s the thing: I was an autistic kid and I can tell you for certain, stimming or not, the other kids already think we’re weird.
"Instead of insisting that autistic children adopt unnatural behaviors for the sake of social acceptance, how about working toward changing what is socially acceptable?"

#LoveNotFear Flashblog

This blog post is part of the Flashblog presented by #BoycottAutismSpeaks as part of their #posAutive campaign. Details can be found here.

Love Not Fear

Early on in our relationship my Wonderful Hubby and I agreed that we wanted to have a large family.  Our first pregnancy was unplanned, but our daughter was certainly not unwanted. We were young and brave and a little bit naive as we began our journey into parenting. It was a rocky start. We had some tough times. 

After 3 years together, we spent some time re-evaluating our priorities and determining our intentions. We decided we wanted to have 6 children, and that we were committed to making sure that as our family grew we would structure our careers, our volunteer activities, our lives so that one of use would always be available to be the primary carer for our children. 

Our daughter by 3 years old had grown to be an energetic and creative soul, who seemed to struggle with anxiety but had such a determined spirit and shared her fathers great sense of humour. 

We added number 2- a quirky little guy with a winning smile and a happy disposition who hardly spoke and seemed to struggle with sensory input. 

Number 3 arrived a non-sleeper who loved intensely and had compassion for others like I've never seen in a toddler. 

We were tired, and busy, and still young- so we decided to stop a while and see how we felt about more kids in a few years. Around this time we learned about Autism through a friends journey and became pretty sure that MasterL was Autistic, but fear of what that label would cost him in society led us to put off seeking a diagnosis. 

Then there was another unexpected pregnancy. This one ended at 12 weeks with the loss of our little one and the realisation that we had unquestioningly wanted this little life to join our family, even though we were not planning for it. So we began again in our intentional quest for that large family. 

Number 4 arrived- a sweet little girl who adored her Daddy, her family and life in general.  

It was around this time that Hubby began to noticeably struggle with his mood. We were separated for a few months during this year. I struggled with my fear that him returning to live with the kids and I would be too hard, but love won, and we have not looked back since the time we made our second conscious decision to partner with each other . 

Number 5 arrived. A bright and active little girl who so desperately wanted to get into everything, had no sense of danger and experienced significant sensory challenges from the day she was born. 

So we paused again to evaluate. Could we support our girl sufficiently if we were also caring for another new baby? Did we have the resources to provide what she and our other children needed if we had a 6th child arriving? The answer was no. MissG, as you regular readers know her, needed my full attention. She needed me to be available to help her navigate the difficult world she was facing. We decided to wait again and see what the next few years brought us.

In the 5 years after MissG joined our family MasterL was diagnosed Autistic, Wonderful Hubby was diagnosed Bipolar, MissG herself was diagnosed Autistic and at 17 years old E was diagnosed Biploar.  

People felt sorry for us. 
People said how hard our lives were.
People said how brave I was. How strong I was. 

I felt sorry for myself sometimes. 
I struggled to overcome the feeling of overwhelm I experienced. 
I felt anything but brave and strong.

I made the mistake of listening to the mainstream discourse that said my life was difficult and my children were hard and my family was just going to be a statistical casualty in which my Autistic children would grow up to be less-productive-less-happy-less-than than others and my Bipolar family members would not be able to work and would end up committing suicide. 

I listened to fear. I felt fear. And for a short while I cultivated fear.  I let the "what ifs" rule my life. What if I can't cope? What if others in the family can't cope? What will people think of me having another baby knowing the chances are that child will have a disability?  What if a new baby is disabled? 

I battled my desire to have the 6th child I so wanted.  And then I stopped. Mostly because I was too tired to keep the battling up. Fear was making me tired. Fear was making me stressed. Fear was causing me to worry about things that hadn't happened. Fear was making me my own enemy. 

I realised that the diagnoses my family members had received were a gift that gave us power. To know who you are is powerful and empowering. To find your tribe is strengthening.  To learn what supports you need to succeed is life changing. 

I realised I had been given the key to being what my family needed. The information about who they are is a precious thing. It gives me the knowledge I need to go and find out how best to help my family. 

I realised I have the ability to choose fear or love. 

And I choose love. 

With choosing love comes choosing acceptance. 

With choosing acceptance comes peace. 

Peace in my heart. Peace in my mind. Peace in the core of my being. 

I am content. 

I would not change a thing about my life. I would not change a thing about my family.

Oh, there is a lot I would change about the world. But my family is fine just the way it is.

So in the end the choice to fall pregnant again was an easy one. All it involved was love. 

Could I love another child? Absolutley. 

Could the rest of the family love another child? Without a doubt.

Could I provide support to another child, no matter what that childs support needs were? Yes, and I was, and remain, completely willing to do that for all my children no matter the cost to me. 

So Number 6 arrived. A boy. My first Caesaren after 5 natural births! Our biggest baby born at 4.5 kgs (9.9 pounds). A snuggler. A smiler. A joy to us all. All the older children adore him. He adores them. 

On his first birthday I was shown a blog I'd not seen before, and I read this. 

"..........Autism isn't something that happened to me.

It is something that I chose when I decided to become a

parent, knowing that my child's future was out of my control.

I may not have understood that then, but I do now."
(full article here)

I immediately read it out loud to my Wonderful Hubby, and I bookmarked the blog and copied the quote into this blog post. Because I get what she is saying, and it is true for me too. 

There was a point in my life at which if you had told me I would have a Biploar husband and daughter and Autistic children I would have intentionally chosen a different path. Because I didn't know any better. And at that point fear would have robbed me of the wonderful life I have now. At that point I had an idea in my mind of what marriage, relationships, parenting would be like. I know now that no matter who I chose as my life partner and no matter who my children turned out to be that idea was wrong.  None of us can predict what our lives will be like. None of us know when we choose to have children who those children will be and what will happen in their lives. It is a risk every single time. 

My first 5 children were born before we officially knew the names of the challenges our family would have. My 6th child was born when we did know. As it turns out, the decision to have him in our family was just as easy as all the others. Because we made it from a place of love not fear. 




Yes. I choose love. 

Every. Single. Time.