Sometimes I just want to cry

Can I be honest for a minute? Well, I'm always honest with you guys, but I want to tell you some honest hard sort of stuff. 

I love blogging. I really do. I usually don't care if a post gets lots of likes and lots of comments, because I work on the knowledge that it's worth writing if it makes a difference to just one person. 

I like begin an "activist"- pushing against the status quo. I think it is worth the effort to try to help people see things differently, maybe think about things in a way they haven't before. 

I saw a quote today- (sourced here)

Krishnamurti: “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” 

and I hope that in some small way what I do when I write is to help people realise where society is sick and how they might be able to change that a bit in their part of the world. Most days I go to bed feeling like it is possible. 

But lately, I'm just feeling discouraged. Writing can be hard work. I put a lot of myself into what I write. I check with the kids to make sure they are comfortable with me sharing when I write about them.  I get a "bee in my bonnet" about things, and I try really hard to stand on the right side of justice and to support the Autistic community well. 

Then I look around the internet, and you know whose blogs and pages are the most popular? The ones with a feel good story every single day (whose life is actually like that???). The ones with lots of swearing. The ones that are funny or witty or just plain smartypantses (yes, that is a word).  Or worse, the ones who don't show much respect for their kids, and who would rather see their beautiful unique children be changed or 'cured'. 

When I see that, I get angry. I get a bit jealous, too. I start to want to see more likes, more comments, more people agreeing with me. 

Because I want to be heard. Because I want to know that all my effort standing up and saying something different than that message of tragedy and fear is making a difference. Because I want to be reassured that the world will be different for my kids than it has been for my adult Autistic friends. 

I can't guarantee that my efforts will lead to any of that. 

Lots of nights lately, I just want to cry.