So, I entered this Blogging competition. Then I did something stupid.
I started looking at the blogs of the other entrants. It was a dumb thing to do. I knew I shouldn't do it. I did it anyway. And now I wish I hadn't. I struggle anyway with feeling less. Why did I go look? Some of these bloggers are so amazing they are on TV being interviewed. They are travelling the world. They are, by societal standards, IMPORTANT people. Other people listen to them, and want to hear what they say. While I am here in my home, looking at mess everywhere, looking after kids, and worrying about how my Wonderful Husband and Autistic Miss 4 are going to get along while I am out of action next week after getting my tonsils out. I am organising play dates and sleep overs for the other kids. I am baking snacks and cooking meals to put in the freezer. I am working my way through a mountain of clothes needing to be washed and sorted. So glamorous.
Now, when I entered the competition, I honestly did not expect to win anything. I was hoping at best to get a few more readers and do some more awareness raising about Autism. And I was feeling positive about that- it is a good thing. So WHY am I now feeling so sorry for myself that this is my life and that is theirs? I don't even want to go on TV!!!
I guess the reality is that I struggle with these feelings anyway. The feelings of jealousy, if I'm honest with myself. I don't need to look at someone else's fantastic blog. I can be struck with feelings of jealousy when I hear other parents complaining about their children's behaviour and find myself wishing that the type of issues they are dealing with are all I had to deal with too.
Realising this about myself leads me to the conclusion that there is really only one course of action. I need to get over myself! I need to stop looking around me and get busy trying to be satisfied with what I've got. I need to go back and remind myself of all the things I'm thankful for. Maybe I should go back and read some of my own blog posts instead of comparing my life to other peoples. Regardless, I need to remind myself that the journey I'm on is mine, and it's OK that it's different from other people's. If I want to teach this to my kids, I really need to learn it myself, no?
So- that's my Autism Awareness post for the weekend. I am aware that Autism impacts my life and my children's lives. Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it stops me from being able to do things I'd like to do. Sometimes I feel sorry for my kids. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I'm fine one day and not the next. But it's not the end of the world. And I can live well through it all. And I don't need to be jealous of other peoples journeys. Those journeys belong to them. Mine belongs to me. They have their own challenges. I have mine. The challenges are different. And that is OK.
Michelle, Oh My Goodness. Reading your blog is like reading my thoughts right now. My son 2.5 yrs has just been diagnosed with Autism and i feel myself doing the same thing. But instead of looking at other people blogs, i look at their well behaved, manned, talking, singing, counting and playing well kids. Since being diagnosed only last week i find myself thinking "Why me" he is my only child and i love him to pieces, but some days it is all just a bit overwhelming and i find myself feeling sorry for myself, then inturn feeling guilty for for feeling sorry for myself. I have two very supportive families and that helps a lot, but other people who do not know of my sons condition just dont understand and see him as a naughty child. It is so hard some days, then every now and then we have a great day. I wish you all the best with your blog and i am exciting to read your upcoming posts.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment. "why me" is an easy question to ask, and not so easy to answer!! Someone said to me once- "it just is what it is", and I agree with them! I know what you mean when you say it's just so hard some days...... and when I have a really great day I find myself wondering if the hard parts are just me- did I make it worse myself, or did I imagine it.... it's so easy to question yourself!! And to feel guilty! Oh, boy! Thanks for your best wishes. My wish for you is that you can become comfortable with your own journey, just like I'm learning to be comfortable with mine!
DeleteHi Michelle i'm a fellow blogger and i'm raising a teen on the spectrum and this can be the toughest job any parent can do!!! I always try to see the positive in my life and I find i am seeing my son in a different way and this is helping me to be able to connect with him. Don't be hard on yourself! My blog is findingyourgifts.blogspot.com.au if you want to drop by and have a read.Good on you for entering the blog competition!!! By the way I do enjoy reading your posts...
ReplyDeleteThanks Annette! Everything is easier with a positive attitude, isn't it?
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