I tried a ride at Luna Park last time we went that I didn't want to go on. G really did want to go on it, so I went with her. It's called the Rotor. You get in this round room and stand against the wall and it spins fast until you are stuck to the wall so that when they drop the floor down you stay right where you are.
Before they start the ride they tell you that if you want to you can call out "Stop!" at any time. I didn't like the ride. I don't really enjoy spinning. This thing spins you so fast that it is difficult to turn your head. It's not that I felt sick (that happened after the ride stopped), I just didn't like the sensation of being spun around like that. G, on the other hand, thought it was great. So- even though I wanted to yell out "STOP!!", I didn't.
This last couple of weeks has been a bit like that ride for me. I feel like I'm spinning around, stuck to the wall. Only there is no option to make it stop. If I could yell out "stop" right now I would. Or like the kids do when they are playing, call out "pause" and everyone waits until they have a toilet break or whatever. I want a break!
I feel like everything is too constant. I am constantly solving problems- kids disagreements, what to do about homework routine, how to get the washing dry when it won't stop raining, how to manage doctors and specialists appointments that we can't even afford to pay for, what to do about the dishes roster when one child has developed dermatitis on their hands (I soooo wish I could afford to get a dishwasher), how is the best way to get G to go to sleep at night when she suddenly develops an aversion to being in her dark bedroom without me, how to explain to L without making him feel stupid that he is consistently misreading I's body language and that is what is causing most of their disagreements, how to explain to I the necessity for him to be more tolerant of his older brother who just doesn't get it when I finds the whole thing a big inconvenience, how to let E have a social life (which she needs to help her cope with what our home is like) that allows for a good balance with school work and my ability to be her chauffeur, deciding whether to use the days that G is at preschool to rest or to do other things that are tricky to do when she is with me, how to help K get her friend fixes when I have limited time and energy resources, finding a time when shift worker Hubby and I are both awake and no kids need attention to actually catch up and be supportive,...... the list goes on, and I haven't even done the housework or planned meals yet. Or spent any individual time with the kids.
I usually don't have to try too hard to focus on the positives (Like the trampoline I bought for $20 second hand last week- probably only another parent of a bounce loving ASD kid will understand how much of a blessing that was). I think I default optimism most of the time, which is great because it means it's easy to pull myself up again after a disappointment or when I'm super tired. But, really, this last week I have been seriously pressed to think of positives. I'm trying. I promise. But at the moment, I just want to stop the ride. I feel completely inadequate for the job in front of me. I am tired. I feel frustrated. I am anxious. I know that if I wait these feelings will pass (at least they did the last few times they hit me), but I don't want to wait- I want them gone now.
At least it will be bed time soon. That's a positive!
Oh- and I had chocolate today. That's two!